But because she has this thought about him often, that he is so negative, this one comment feels really heavy. It feels really big. And, and so she wants me to know, right? She’s telling me as a coach, like my husband, he’s just so negative. And then he said this thing and it just felt so terrible. And then I snap at him and I’m not very nice. And of course then I’m being the negative one. She sees that and you know, like, what am I supposed to do about all this?

So I told her, I said, here’s the answer, but I want you to know first that it’s a really, really difficult thing to do correctly all the time. I think sometimes we know the answer, but we also need someone to say, and this is kind of hard to do, long term sustainably, right?

So like obviously I could give you the steps to train for and run the Boston Marathon. I could be like, Hey, you need shoes like this and here’s a training schedule and you’re really just running right, and here’s a couple tips about your form and you need to practice and build up your endurance and then you can run the Boston Marathon. Right?

And while that is true, and while I give you all the information about training for the Boston Marathon, and you understand it, right, you could read all the words and be like, okay, I understand that I gotta move my elbows this way, and I need shoes like this, and I should use this training schedule. It’s blooming hard to train and get in and run the Boston Marathon. Right? We know that.

So sometimes even though the information is simple and straightforward, I think it’s really important to couch it or to acknowledge like, Hey, this is kind of a big ask that I’m making. So what I like to say is this is a PhD level response. Like it’s gonna take you some time maybe. To get up to this PhD level response.

Or it might be that like eight outta 10 times you’re gonna put your foot in your mouth and you’re gonna snap at the husband. But two outta 10 times, if we could reach for this. This is the PhD level that we want to reach for.

So I said, listen, here’s what it’s with melancholic here, people or not, right? But particularly with melancholic people, and it just sounds like her husband has a melancholic personality. It’s not a problem.

And with those kind of people, what they’re really saying is, Hey, hey. I have a need that’s not being met right now. I need you to do something. Okay. And a lot of times it’s just the need to be seen.

It’s just the need to be seen. Like if we asked this guy, if we were like, okay, are the kids too much? Should we take one away from you? Like we could just put one in foster care. It’s not a big deal. He’d be like, of course not. It’s fine. I love these kids. Right?

He doesn’t actually need you to solve little kid things. Okay? What he needs in that moment probably. It’s just to feel seen, just some acknowledgement that like this slice of parenting is not his favorite. It’s not the best in general. Biologically men are not wired to be around little kids all the time.

Okay. Like none of the society’s like set up. None of them we’re set up to be like, you know what’s great, we should take men and put them with a bunch of two, three and four year olds all day. Nobody did that. They’re not wired to do that. Now, some of them happen to be good at that, that’s fantastic. But I would say the majority of them, it’s not their strong suit.

Now, I’m thankful for modern day parenting, and dads are so involved these days that a lot of dads, instead of like going to work and then coming home and drinking their scotch in the office, they’re like doing the kid stuff and they don’t like it. And I’m totally fine with the fact that they don’t like it. I don’t need them to like it. Right.

I’m also as a melancholic myself, totally fine. That the melancholic needs to say it like, this is terrible. And that melancholic guy just wants his wife to be like, I know honey. It is. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for helping me. You’re amazing. That’s what he wants. That’s the need. He’s just saying, I need you to see that. This is hard for me. I need you to see that this is hard for me.

And so I told her, I said, the PhD level for this is that when he complains and you’ll feel a feeling in your body, you’ll get really good at knowing like, oh, my body feels like this when my husband is negative and complains to reach for, to have your automatic reaction be what need does he have right now.

And most of the time, I’m gonna tell you, it’s just to be seen. Just to go, I see that that is really hard. I’m sorry I love you so much. That’s it. There might be other needs. There might be bigger circumstances and he might actually need some help with something or he might need to acquire a skill or something.

But I think the vast majority of melancholic just wanna be acknowledged. I have a melancholic daughter and she does. She comes and if she goes out to an event, and I know she had a good time, I know she did. She comes back and go, how was it? She’s gonna tell me at least three terrible things first. At least three. It’s just what she does and I love her. This is not a problem to me. Right. It’s not a problem to me.

Now, something happens in marriage and we wound each other and it’s actually like the hardest person to love usually is our spouse. ’cause we’re just so entangled with each other. My daughter hasn’t hurt me and I can just love her being a melancholic over there.

And I just know this about her and we talk about it. And we talk about not taking it too far. I don’t shame her for being inclined that way though. It’s just fine. And she just wants to tell me the three terrible things and have me be like, oh gosh, that sounds terrible. Then she’ll tell me that she had a wonderful time and it was great, and it’s just fine. I’m fine with that.

And what we want is we wanna have that kind of pure, innocent, loving, charitable, compassionate relationship with our husbands, right? And the reason we don’t, again, is because of wounding. And we’ve heard each other and history and all sorts of things, but this is the answer.

Really, if you dig deep, it’s kind of the answer for whatever bugs you about your spouse. And they have a different personality type with you. It’s just to love them the way that they are and be like, what do they need right now?

Right? Because we could flip the gen genders, and we could flip the personality types. But in this particular example, we’re gonna stick with sanguine, optimistic, cheery mom, and she’s trying to create this cheery atmosphere in the house.

And then here comes our like Scrooge McDuck husband who’s like. And just being like, oh, I just love him so much. He’s amazing. There’s some great things about melancholic. I bet if I, you know, spent 10 minutes with her husband, I’d be like, he’s so great. Here’s why. But the brain doesn’t think about the reason why somebody’s great.

But the brain thinks about things that are dangerous, and we think that a negative person is dangerous because they’re like hurting the kids in the atmosphere of the house, and they’re like bringing it down and they’re never happy. And then we feel like maybe they don’t like us anymore or we did something wrong, and that’s why they’re negative.

That was a lot. That all just happened right there. When really this guy is just like, oh my gosh, I don’t like spoonfeeding a 2-year-old applesauce. ’cause then they just spit it out and make a mess and he just wants probably his wife to be like, I know. It’s terrible. Thanks so much for doing that. That’s it.

We don’t need a big story. We don’t need to roll around in our childhood. You know? We don’t need to think about the implications of all of the things. All the things. And the kids. It’s just, he probably just needs to be seen and that’s okay.

And we can just love him the way that he is. We can love him, even if he is a somewhat melancholic husband. It’s not gonna hurt your kids. It’s not gonna ruin your life, right? And he loves you. You didn’t do anything wrong, and he probably just really wants to be seen.

Alright, I am praying for you. Please pray for me and have a blessed day.