Husband Sparkle for the Holidays

Most of these things fall on moms, and a lot of it, I think, is either unseen or unrecognized by husbands. They’re not saying, “Oh my gosh, honey, thank you so much for getting all the wrapping paper and wrapping all the presents.” And it’s not that they don’t appreciate it—maybe they don’t—but even if they do, very few of them are actually saying it.

So there’s a couple of different steps there. There’s noticing it, there’s noticing it and appreciating it but not saying anything, and then there’s noticing it, appreciating it, and saying something. I just think very few husbands do all three of those things.

Because most moms are doing all the things and December is a little bit crazy, they feel, “Ugh, I’m all alone. I have to do everything. Nobody helps me. Nobody appreciates me.” We have all these thoughts that run in our minds. And because we are self-centered people, right? Because of original sin, our natural inclination is to think of ourselves and our own comfort. That’s kind of our default setting if we’re not trying.

And so you’re doing all the things and kind of drowning. Then, because you’re having all of these thoughts, you feel frustrated and angry and resentful and bitter. And then maybe you keep it all inside and you don’t say any of it to your husband. Maybe you let it all out and you’re snarky, kind of unloading on your husband. But very few of us, I think, are sitting around in December thinking about how to make December great for our husbands.

And I totally get why. Like right now, if someone said, “Hey Sterling, are you really thinking about how to make Christmas magical for Michael?” I’d be like, “What are you talking about? I am thinking about a hundred thousand different things.”

No, I am not thinking about how to make Christmas magical for my husband. Which doesn’t mean I don’t think about him at all. We kind of plan the holidays out together, and we have things that we do every year. He’s there, and he’s involved.

But in our busyness, as we sit here feeling unseen and unappreciated—which I think a lot of women would say—I think it’s so interesting that at the same time, we are not seeing and appreciating our husbands. Because we’re stressed, we’re drowning, we’re busy, and maybe a little bitter and resentful.

We’re not thinking about a way to surprise him. We’re not thinking about how busy his week was. We’re not thinking about slow kisses in the hallway where we’re like, “Ugh, thank you for working so hard and making the money that allows me to buy these Christmas presents.”

And I realize that’s not everybody’s story. It’s not ours. But are we thinking about husbands in the holidays? Are we thinking that maybe weird emotional stuff comes up for him? Maybe he comes from a fractured family. Maybe his holidays were really stressful. Maybe he misses his mom.

We don’t give men space to say things like, “I just really miss my mom.” Now they’re not women, so they don’t want to talk about their feelings all the time. They don’t want to sit around and talk about that. But we could hug them and be like, “Hey, it’s okay if you miss your mom.”

We don’t have to force them to have lots of words with us, but we could just hug them and say, “I bet that’s hard for you. I love you. I’m here for you.”

And I made this podcast kind of for me because I realized as I was checking through my list, I was like, “Okay, I’ve got that, and I’ve got that, and I’m kind of in good shape this year. I feel pretty good.” And I just realized my husband isn’t part of it. I don’t think about creating magic for him.

Now, we’re adults, and maybe we don’t need that. But I could probably do one thing. I could probably think of a few small thoughtful things that would just create a little sparkle for him. And it really struck me that I wasn’t thinking about it.

My husband and I balance our parenting workload pretty well. I don’t feel bitter that I’m doing all the things. Like, I’ll say, “Get this on Marketplace; go pick that up for me.” I do wrap the presents, but I actually like wrapping the presents.

And then we don’t travel, so for us, the holidays are not very stressful. He makes breakfast Christmas morning—he makes cinnamon rolls every year, and he loves doing that. His family did that. And we go to midnight Mass, which is at 9:00 PM where we live, which I think is hilarious and adorable.

But I just thought, “How could I surprise him this year?” My husband isn’t that into presents. It might not be a present. It might just be me saying nice things to him every day.

And I found some resistance in my body thinking about that. “Ooh, I don’t want to say nice things to him.” And I was like, “Whoa. Why is it hard for us to compliment and encourage husbands?”

For some of you, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re great at that. But I just found some resistance in saying, “You’re such a great dad. You’re such a great provider. I love you. I’m so glad I’m doing life with you.”  Thanks for making December easy for me or, he bought sleds over the summer. It’s funny I didn’t really register it at the time. And, but then it snowed here and then the kids were sledding. And he did that. He made that possible.

So I was thinking, how can I create some sparkle for him?  And what’s hard for him around the holidays.  And I actually don’t know. I don’t coach men. So I don’t hear it over and over again. What’s hard for men around the holidays.  

But I imagine that they have some emotional or different experience, like we do.  Maybe they’re sad that they’re working so much. Maybe they’re underemployed, not making as much money as they want to, and they feel bad about that.

At the end of the day, all of us want to feel loved and wanted and chosen. We all have this deep desire to be seen and loved for who we are.  Chosen. We all want to feel special. I don’t have to meet your husband. To know that he wants you to look at him and just be like, baby, I love you. You’re my guy. I chose you out of all the guys, I would choose you again. And you could tell him why, if you wanted. 

How can we love these guys through the holidays? And here’s what’s crazy. I think Jordan Peterson says one of the things that contributes to depression is constantly thinking about ourselves  and its quicksand.  Like the more you think about yourself, the more you end up feeling this sense of depression. 

When we think about others, when we serve others,  When we give our brain the mission to think about creating sparkle for someone else. It gets our mind off of ourselves. And it will make you feel better to do that.  

Now, obviously we are all in different places in our life. And if you were in a painful part of your marriage and you’re feeling very raw and hurt. And you can’t do this without also feeling bitter about having to do it. This isn’t the December for you to do that. But for a lot of you, you love your husband. You really like that guy. You’re glad he’s your guy. It’s so easy to forget to tell him.

It’s so easy to forget to Kiss him in the hallway.  And make like cute flirty jokes with him. Send him flirty texts. You know wear something a little slinky. Oh, how could I tell you guys this? Okay. I’m going to send it out on my email list. I found the cutest nightgown on Amazon. I wanted something red, cause I love red. And I wanted something modest that I wasn’t embarrassed to wear around the children. But then I wanted something that made me feel a little saucy. 

And so I found this really cute. It’s like red with white piping on it. Collard, it looks a little old fashioned. Has a collar and buttons down the front, but it’s like a shorter nightgown. It’s not pants. But it has buttons down the front. So when I’m sitting in bed, feeling totally modest, kids can see me. I have no weirdness about that. But then when they leave, I can unbutton two or three of the buttons. And feel a little slinky and saucy. And so it was just, I’ve been searching for a while. For, to me, all of those criteria. And it does, and I love it.

So great. Comes in a bunch of colors. So I’ll link it. Can I link that in the show notes? Maybe I’ll put it in the show notes. I’ll definitely send it out on my email list though. And, it’s just the difference between it’s so easy as adults and tired moms. I feel you. It’s December to like bring any kind of sparkle game.  

But you can. I am team sparkle in the morning or sparkle in the afternoon. I am definitely not team sparkle at bedtime. And I’ve communicated that to my husband. I’m like, listen please morning or afternoon. It’s like by the time it’s eight I’m on kind of a puddle. And it’s really hard for me to get my head in the game.  

And obviously men love sparkle in the bedroom. But they love other kinds of sparkle too. Maybe it’s gifts, maybe it’s acts of service. You kind of know what makes your man feel good. And I think because men tend to be stoic and quiet we then don’t tell them out loud the things that we like about them.  

But I think everybody likes to hear that, everybody likes to hear. I think you’re a good mom. He wants you to say, I think you’re a really good dad. I’m proud of what we’re doing with these kids or I really like my life. I don’t tell him that a lot. And I tell him, I’m like, that closet squeaks. And I don’t like it or there’s this gap in the floor, in our bathroom where the flooring stuff we put in a new bathtub. And the flooring stops and there’s two inches of exposed flooring. And then the bathtub caused the new bathtub to be a different size than the old bathtub. And it drives me nuts when I see it. And then I complain and tell them about it, like the, that bathroom. That’s what I tell him.  

I don’t say, oh, I just love where we live in this life that we’ve made. Because we’re busy and we’re talking about the kids and who’s going to pick up Forrest and all those things. I wanted to make this episode for all the guys. I’m not trying to make your life harder. I think if you do this, it will make you feel a little bit better. 

I think if you think about creating a little bit of sparkle for your husband. It will give your brain something to do. And there’s no due date and he doesn’t know. So you don’t have to feel pressured, gifts should be freely given with no emotional cost.  

If you give it with bitterness, there’s an emotional cost. I’m like I said, some of you genuinely may just like not being in that place this year and that is okay. I have certainly been there.  

But as I was feeling, like pleased with being done with the photobook and most of the presents I have and just feeling okay, the end is insight and I feel pretty good. I just thought, It’s interesting that I didn’t think about creating a lot of sparkle for him.  

And it’s his Christmas too. And there’s a little boy inside of each of our husbands. Probably who wants a BB gun? That’s funny. We’re not going to do that but we can do something for them. And if you want help. I want you to ask him without anger in your voice, maybe you are doing all the things. Maybe you do want a little bit of help, but by the time we ask, we’re usually so upset that it comes out as an attack. Instead of just saying, hey, I’m just doing a lot can you help me with this? Men really respond to softness.  

It’s just that usually by the time we’re bringing something to them, we’re just so done that it comes out harshly. Also, let us just say a prayer for husbands and fathers. We live in a time that is not very kind to men. Kind of the default position in the culture today is that men are bad. I’m such a shame.  

And I understand how that’s happened. And mom’s really do all the things for Christmas. And so I just, I want to validate that, like I see you, I see what you’re doing. I see how hard you’re working. We all have different circumstances, but we all, whatever the circumstances were.  That was hard before we still had to live with them and then there’s all the things in December.  

But you’re doing it. Love those kids. You’ve lived a beautiful life. It is beautiful and wild. And we’re all just kind of exploring how to be good humans and cling to the Lord. Amidst all of this noise and chaos. So let the Lord pour into you, his peace and his mercy and his grace. And share some of that with your husband. Create some sparkle for him.  I think it will make you feel good.

And don’t forget, if you want a physical Year of Calm planner, go to catholicmomcalm.com/yearofcalm. Go order one. It takes two weeks to get to you and then you will have it. I didn’t mention before that it’s a dateless planner, so I love that you can use it any time. And then if you forget to use it for a couple of weeks, you can just pick it right back up again. That’s my favorite thing about that planner, but. Some of you will just want it by January 1st.  

All right. My friends. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me. Thank you so much for listening, and have a blessed day.