Four Ways to Cope with Painful Crosses

I’m keeping this intro about the words. I’ll play with that a little bit. A description of what the podcast is, but I love short intros. I love that music; it’s so soothing to me. I hope you love it too. We’re going to dive in and talk about four ways to cope with a painful marriage. These tools are great for any painful cross. I’ll discuss them with regard to marriage, but they are powerful for any situation.

I’m about to release a painful marriage course and wanted to share these tools here so you have them. I’m not going to gatekeep the skills. Practicing skills by ourselves is hard. Like losing weight, the difficulty lies in practice, emotional support, and figuring it out amid life. Programs are great, but I like providing free information for those who can’t join a group program.

For years, I thought God would heal my marriage and my husband and I would speak about it publicly, as we’re both charismatic and good public speakers. We’re both authors and have podcasts. It made sense to me that God would lead us through this difficult time, knowing we would share our story to help others. For years, I believed our marriage would improve, and then I would write and talk about it.

About a year ago, God pressed on my heart that my role is to teach women how to live in a painful marriage, to have hope, peace, joy, and happiness again. He told me to teach them not to be angry, as anger is a sin, and not to make things worse with their own actions stemming from woundedness. I’m sharing how to have peace in a painful marriage, as I have not fixed mine. I’ve been doing this work myself, and it’s been incredible.

After God revealed this to me, He brought missing pieces that helped me find peace in my own life. For anyone in a painful marriage, it colors everything, like having searing pain in your body. It feels like an open wound, and you’re going through daily life in despair, anger, loneliness, and confusion. As Catholics, we think if we do the right things, we should have a good marriage. But God makes no promises about that. He’s not a vending machine where certain actions guarantee results.

In these painful marriages, we often cry out to God, asking why He has done this to us. I think of Job. The Lord has been with me, saying, “I love you, and I want you to choose me, even if this never gets better.” We often hear that acceptance leads to change, and I finally accepted that this might be my marriage for life. I started asking how I would live if this never changed. I accepted my marriage and loved the Lord, even with the pain. I was angry at God, but I loved Him and spent time with Him.

It doesn’t seem like a heavenly father thing to give a girl to a man who hurts her. But my human brain couldn’t understand that. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I was in so much resistance. You watched me lose 70 pounds and find joy in motherhood. I rarely yell at my kids and have a beautiful life in Northern Idaho. But the pain of my marriage felt unfair, especially as my influence grew. The more people listened to my podcast and joined my programs, the worse I felt about this unchangeable part of my life.

God, in His goodness, said it’s time. He brings the change, not us. We can’t force it or read our way into it. He knows the timing. The Holy Spirit gave me these tools and put them together clearly for women to learn. It’s simple and free.

You might feel angry or resistant to some steps, but at some point, you’ll be willing to try anything. These tools will be waiting for you.

The first step is to shorten the stress cycle. Be aware of being in a stress state and calm down. No extra thinking or talking, just calm down. I used to think my husband caused my stress, but now I control my thoughts, body, and actions.

Step one is shortening the stress cycle, usually through breathing. Leaving the conversation if necessary, saying, “I love you, but I need to calm down.”

The second step is controlling your actions. This is hard because we feel justified in our behavior. We need to stop acting childish and letting our woundedness excuse sinful behavior. Controlling actions includes not soaking in pain, avoiding responsibility, or blaming him. Women’s violence is stealthy but just as bad as men’s. We must apologize for our actions, honoring the Lord.

Step three is dealing with anger. Anger is sinful. Do an inventory of your anger and forgive. Forgiveness is a formula: say, “In the name of Jesus, I forgive myself for…” Renounce lies and clean up your life from anger, lack of forgiveness, and lies.

Step four is to know, love, and serve God. Although God is most important, connecting with Him requires dealing with stress, anger, and actions first. Knowing Him through the Bible, discerning His will, meditating on His promises, and calling for the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Love Him by giving Him time, daily rituals, and believing His promises. Serve Him by honoring your life, time, mind, and body, and stewarding your resources.

The bonus section covers spiritual warfare, deliverance prayers, the LIBOR Cristo protocol, and participating in reconciliation.

That’s it: shorten your stress cycle, control your actions, deal with anger, and know, love, and serve God. Listen to this episode over and over again. If you’re interested in the 12-week course, visit Catholicmom.com/marriagehope.