How to Coach Yourself

When am I going to be myself again? And so when we lack peace, right, we are just not believing something. That is true about the Lord. So in this example, right. If we think. Um, let’s just say that the house is a mess. Okay. That’s pretty common postpartum houses, a mess you thought by 10 weeks postpartum, that you would be better and you’d be cleaning the house by now And it would look better. And so you have this thought and it’s going to be something like I failed or I’m bad. Or I’m not good enough. Someone else should be doing this. I would be doing this better. Right. And so. The promise of God that you’re not believing, right? Is that you are just lovable the way that you are. You don’t need to do anything to be. loved. And so, sometimes in coaching, what we do is we validate that someone’s going through something really difficult. And even though this woman is coming saying, Hey, I wish things were better. Right. I could just coach her on very practical tools like systems or, um, You know, I don’t know, different ways to clean your house and, or train your kids to clean your house. But that’s not what this, this woman needed. And this is where I think Catholic coaching is different where. I knew that she just needed to have her heart health.

And she needed to know that exactly where she was was totally fine. And it was completely fine that her house was messy. 10 weeks postpartum. And I talked about my bed rest pregnancies and how I felt like I was totally ruining the kids and they were watching more TV than I wanted them to. And living off hot dogs and string cheese. And. I remember thinking it’s always going to be like this. I’m never going to get to be the mom that I want to be. But of course. You know, Even though that was three years in a row, which was so difficult for me. That did end. And now I’m the mom that I want to be. I don’t have any babies. I’m not exhausted all the time. I’m a little overstimulated from having six chatty chat, chat kids. In my house all the time. But everything always changes. And so I think that’s what she needed with just some encouragement. And then I also shared, I’ve said this many times that I really considered the 12 weeks after we have a baby, I called the darkness. Right. So I just don’t even really have hardly any expectations of myself until I’m 12 weeks postpartum. I said, you know, if you want, give yourself two more weeks. You’ll start feeling better about. And even though you think, oh, she’s already 10 weeks. Well, that last two weeks, it makes a difference. Babies are sleeping a lot better, even by 12 weeks. And that doesn’t mean I expect you be back to normal in 12 weeks at 12 weeks.

Postpartum is when I begin. To put things into place. To get back to normal. Okay. So then we also talked about having, um, a whiny five-year-olds raise your hand. If you have a whiny five-year-old. Some of you have a whiny four year old or a 97 year old, but. Whininess it comes and goes with the kids. And it’s very normal and it’s literally our job as parents to take these little beings who are very self-centered. And just want what they want. I’m going to learn about everything, which is kind of our natural. You know, From the fall. Sense of humanness. And then we want to help form them. Into virtuous. Holy beings. And we get the beginning of that almost right from the beginning. Right. So one, just knowing that it’s normal to have a whiny five-year-old. And I find that. So. much. Of whiteness is a product of you not knowing what you want. You not knowing what the rules are. You not knowing what the consequences are. You not knowing what the escalated consequence are. You not having a, a reward system or a feedback system. And if you think about it, Children just talk a lot. And then we just label a certain tone. Wyness. But to be honest, if you had to articulate it. If you had to measure it. It’d be hard for you to do that. If I said like how many decibels are in what tone? You know, is it, is it an eight flat? It’s whiny. Right.

It’s just, it’s, it’s almost something that we just Intuit. But the fact that you Intuit it is because you were an adult. And the children need training. But we’re so tired and we’re so overwhelmed that. Doing that training makes us angry. And then we’re angry at the kid who was whining. And nobody’s being helped by that. And so I think it’s good to just. Really. Hit one behavior like, okay, what are they wearing? And the example of this woman, Gave was, um, kiddo doesn’t want to get dressed. Whines about not wanting to get dressed and take some very long time to get dressed. I’m like, great. That’s a very specific example. So, um, in our family, We hollered downstairs. Hey. You know, get up breakfast is ready. Come upstairs. Okay. I feel like we give them about a five news. Maybe five to 10 minute warning. Before breakfast is ready. And then in our family, Breakfast usually comes with a couple choices. Um, not extravagant choices. It’s like, do you want hard willed, eggs or scrambled eggs? Or over easy eggs. Um, or maybe sausage or bacon, like they made a very protein, heavy breakfast and. There are these little choices within that. But you take too long to get ready.

The choice will be made for you. And we’ll get no choice. And so that’s a natural consequence, which is like, Hey, you can be slow. But then you don’t get to pick your breakfast and we eat breakfast. We just start eating breakfast. At a certain times. We might get one more warning. Like, Hey, breakfast is starting soon. But then we will pray and start eating. If you were slow to get ready. You will come upstairs, receive whatever breakfast we gave you. I have to pray by yourself and then eat. And then breakfast is over. We don’t it’s it’s not a dedicated time. But. My husband and I just kind of sounds like breakfast is over. And then if we’ve got a slow eater too, we’ll be like, Hey, you got a couple more minutes and then we’re wrapping it up. And in my opinion, we give them a luxurious amount of time to eat. So we’re not like fast eaters. And then I’m punishing people. You know, kids were listening to their bodies and eating slowly. I’m talking about my four year old who wants to talk, talk, talk, talk, and not eat at all. He doesn’t even start eating his breakfast until 15 minutes later when everybody. And. I’m not okay with that. But so just getting clear on what is the behavior that you want and can you reward it or are there consequences? For not doing it. Um, one of my clients, she said, she started a, um, a good attitude chart and I was like, yeah, good attitude chart. And if her kid. Had a good attitude, the first try. And I really love that distinction first. Try. He got sticker on enough stickers. He got a reward. Right. So we can play both sides. We can play the consequences and the rewards side.

But. For this mom, I just asked really simple. Questions. About this kid’s behavior. And then I just said, what are the rules? Why would this kid do that? Like why we just want them all to naturally be walking around being virtuous humans, but we’re not even doing that. You’re not even doing that. You’re just. Doing it at the adult level where you’re like, I don’t feel like doing the things that I should be doing right. And so this was where we actually talk about it practically. Right. So instead of coaching, maybe her mindset about it, just the mindset piece is it’s normal to have a whiny five-year-old. You’re not a bad mom. That’s pretty normal. But then the practical side is okay. And what are we going to do about it? And the group had some great ideas and, you know, she walked away being like, yeah. Okay. I can do some of those things. And then another woman. Um, just came in and she had gotten coaching a couple of weeks ago about going off of a antidepressant. She’d been on it for maybe six months and she came off of it. And she was feeling so bad. And she had asked for coaching about whether or not she should go back on and we don’t give medical advice, but we talk about, you know, what would the reasons be that you would try it again?

Why would you not try it again? And her question was. Because the kids were just come home for the summer, which is. Potentially the most stressful time. Maybe she’d stay on it through the summer and then go off in the fall. When the kids went back. And I’m. So again, I never tell anyone what to do. We just kind of do the pros and cons of each one and make sure she understands her feelings about them. And then really, for most people, I just say, Hey, go pray about that. But she said, um, she did our keep your cool program and she. Listed the rules for the kids for around some things that they were really struggling with, including consequences and escalated consequences. And. She said, it just made such a difference. And she said, I was so calm. And she said, the kids were the exact same. They just did the same things. But because I had this plan. I just, I was calm as I executed my plan. And she said, I didn’t even do it every day. But when the days were getting crazy, I could look at my piece of paper and then I could do what I had written down. And I, she thought that was so great. And I I’m so thankful that she, she literally came on just to share that with a group to share what had worked for her and to update them on, on their situation, which I thought was so lovely. And. This is the power planning.

And I think most of. us. We operate in a stress state. And it’s really hard to think clearly when we’re operating in a stress state. And so if you can plan when you’re not stressed and then just look at your plan, even when you are stressed, you can look at your plan and follow it. And so. If you’re struggling. With something. On Sunday, take some time away from the kids. And make a plan about it. And then you’ll just have that plan. And so that’s a very practical. Thing to do, but the mindset thing is that you are worth planning. Like you are worth taking the time to do this. You are intelligent. You are a good problem solver. And you might not know that because you’re trying to problem solve in a stress state. So then you’re like, I’m terrible, mom. I don’t know what to do. I promise you when I get a woman and I can make her feel loved and safe. She just has amazing ideas. And that’s you. So. His mom gives us hope that. You know, a little bit of planning can really help us to cope. With kids, man home for the summer. And she chose not to go back on her antidepressant. And she said I was doing fine. Okay. The next person was, um, a working mom. And she works from home and her husband works from home. And she says it’s really, really stressful when our childcare calls. And it says they can’t come watch our kids at home. And. You know, she’s very emotional about this and listen, it was just absolutely across the board that working moms feel so much guilt.

They feel so bad. And. They think that a lot of their problems are unique to the fact that they’re being working moms. And I often tell them like, Nope, even the non-working moms struggling with summer, or think we’re not doing a good job. Or aren’t sure what to make for dinner. I think there’s just a lot more commonality there than we realize. And so I said, okay. And she said, well, how do I make a plan? Around something that can’t plan for. Right. So she’s saying she has a no. When these people are going to call and say like, Hey, I’m sick. I can’t come in. Um, but I said, absolutely. Can I have a plan for that? And so I said, here’s your plan? I said, first of all, you’re going to just. Like huddle up with the Lord and go, it’s going to be fine. She’s going to be fine. Child childcare cancels. We have some other things we’re going to try, but whatever happens today is going to be fine. So then you’re going to call the backup. She said she had backups. So I said, you know, and I said, write this on a piece of paper so you can see it. Call the backups. And she said, then there’s like, You know, my schedule, my husband’s schedule. And so I said, okay, print out. You know, just a single sheet of paper that has the. Time’s on them from like eight to five, however long you work and then go to your husband. And both of you compare your calendars and find the holes where both of you are working. So if you can tag team the kids, that’s fine. But let’s see both have a 10 o’clock call. Okay.

If it were me and my husband, I both had a 10 o’clock call. We would put a movie on for the kids. And that that doesn’t happen as really, almost ever because our, our calendars don’t allow us to both be blocked at the same time. Um, And we don’t at the moment have any childcare. We just watched the kids. But if that, happens, I would just be like, for sure, putting it will be on and my kids don’t watch that many movies. And so they would definitely just like zone out and watch it for that hour. I wouldn’t do that for three hours. I don’t think children can sit alone for three hours, but for sure, I can for an hour. Um, or maybe an hour and a half movie, you know, And so that’s what I would do. I would sync up with my husband’s schedule and then plan a movie. And then I would also just say, I guess this is the kind of day that we’re going to have. And this is a mindset that this is the thing. This is a coaching thing where we just go, oh, well, Jesus knew we were going to have this day. I didn’t, but now I know that this is the kind of day that we’re going to have. No. That’s okay. Right. We just want to, we just want to be, not be so bogged down. And that everything is terrible and I’m so terrible at nothing is working. That’s not God’s voice my friends. It’s not how he talks to you.

And then the last person that we coached was somebody I just love, this was such an interesting puzzle to my brain. And she said, all five of my children are introverts. And so they don’t really like to do things. And then when adults talk to them, they freeze and it looks like they’re rude. I have one introverted child, maybe two. And they totally freeze introverted children. And it does look rude, like when someone’s like, oh, what are you doing this summer? And then your kid just like stares at them. It looks like they’re rude, but it really, you know, that there’s like crushingly shy. Um, so one, um, you can role play that with your kids. You can just be like, Hey, you are introverted. Awesome. Introverts are great. We love them. And that just means it drains your energy to be in groups of people. And to talk to people. It doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means it drains your energy. But when you don’t respond to people, it looks rude. It looks like you don’t like them. It looks like you don’t care about them. And so I would prepare that prepare sentence for them. That was just like, and I would role play with them. Hey, what are you doing for the summer? We’re going to go camping. Like just a one sentence response. And then I would make a deal with them. I would say, Hey child. And when I see that someone. He’s trying to talk to you. I will come up with a job for you to do. So. Let’s say, um, it’s your eight year old who’s introverted. And they come up to ask you a question and you’re standing next to some nice lady. And she says, oh, Hey child, what are you doing for the summer?

I will look at you. And then you will say, we’re going camping. And then I will say, Hey, I need something from the car. Can you go get that. for me? So I’m making this deal with the kid that I know that they don’t want to sit there and talk to that person and I will give them an out. But I expect them to still respond and be polite. And nothing’s wrong with you? Nothing’s wrong with the kids? I also, like beyond all of that would just say, I don’t really care what anybody thinks. Like I would teach the child, like people are going to have their thoughts and their opinions, and we can’t control that, but there is some amount of social niceties and not being rude. Right. We don’t want to just ignore people. We want to respond. But they don’t have to talk. In my opinion, they don’t have talked to people. They don’t have to be friends with everybody. Um, so I want them to, you know, come up to that line of not being rude. Um, but then. Just being like, yeah, you don’t have to stand there and talk to somebody that? you don’t know. If you don’t want to. So. We covered all of those things in one coaching call. And. That is a great sample of the many different kinds of things that we, talk about. And. Coaching. Is really about.

Isolating out the facts. From. Your opinions, your stories. And when we isolate the facts, if you can calm yourself down enough to say these are the facts, these are the stories. Okay. Then. you can ask yourself. What do I want to do about the facts? I guess you can see. Um, this woman was worried that all her kids were, um, Introvert and she was anxious and she was experiencing stress when people would talk to them. Right. And so there was lots of stories and opinions there. But the fact was when child a is asked a question by another adult. Child a freezes and does not respond. That’s it. That’s just, that’s the fact. And so then we can go, well, what am I going to do about that? Now, remember you can’t. Be a great problem solver unless you’re calm. So whatever you have to do to get calm, love the Lord. Pray. Whenever you need to do And so you can be your own coach. You can do this with your friends. Remember you can’t tell your friends what to do. But you can find out, you can separate out the facts from the stories. And then you can just ask leading questions. Leading them to solve their own problems, not leading, like, um, like leaving the witness, not, uh, you know, what kind of consequences do you want to give your kids? You would say, Hey, do you want to give them consequences, rewards or mix of both?

I just think that. We live in a world that has produced. A couple of generations. Of. I would say women, I mean, probably men too, but just my experiences with women. Who are encouraged to have lots of stories about things to be very dramatic, to be very emotional. And then as we have learned that emotions are important and we should listen to our emotions and I think that’s so great. I think we haven’t separated out enough, the idea that sometimes we’re experiencing these emotions because we’re believing stories that aren’t true. So I’m a big fan of feeling your feelings and coming. To a place of being calm. So we’re not at a stress state, but then still asking what are the facts? Right. And I’ve ruined my children or my husband doesn’t love me, or I will never have stability. Like those are just stories. And it’s pretty hard to problem solve against that. Okay. So I hope that’s helpful for you. Whenever you’re dealing with today. I’ll let you ask yourself, what are the facts? What are the stories? Get common. No, that God loves you. He gives you everything that. you need. You are loved your safe. And my guess is you’re pretty great problem solver. And you can solve your own problems by friends.

All right. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me. And have a blessed day.