So I hope you enjoy this one and I hope it brings you just a little bit of lightness in your day and some hope for your marriage. All right my friends, enjoy. Today, I am talking about the five thoughts that have improved my marriage. So for those of you who have been following me from the beginning, I had this really huge shift in my life after discovering mindset coaching and becoming a life coach and I saw so many improvements in different areas of my life, but I wasn’t seeing the same improvements in my marriage, which was fine. I was working on things and feeling so excited to have discovered these tools and implemented them, but I wanted so badly to see those same improvements in my marriage. And it just took longer, but I have seen so much progress in the last month or two and so I was asking myself like, why, what were the key things that have finally broken through? I feel like there was this crack in the hard shell around our marriage, and I’m starting to see through to the softness inside to the light and the love inside of who I know we could be together.

And so I wanted to share with you the five thoughts that have been helping me and these by no means have fixed things or made everything better. We’re kind of on our own journey, but they really have started to soften my heart and started to help me feel more excited about the future and to finally have hope that things could be better that I could have the kind of marriage that I perceive other people have or I think people have in the movies or maybe the kind of marriage that, you know, God says is possible. And so I’m going to share these five thoughts with you today. So the first thought is more of an idea, really. So the idea is that you begin to see the things that drive you nuts about your husband as endearments. And this is something from the Gottman Institute. They put out tons of information about having healthy relationships. They have a lot of books, and this is one of their keys to having a successful marriage, is that instead of thinking that the things that your spouse does is really annoying, you begin to think that they are cute or sweet in some way.

And I still have a long way to go about that, but when my husband does something that drives me bananas, either it’s annoying or gross or hurtful, or a personality tick or something like that, I tell myself, oh, I love that part about him, or that just makes up who he is, and I love that quirky thing that he does. And I helped my mind to realize that it’s a package deal, like the things that drive me crazy about him are usually aspects of his personality and other aspects of his personality or that same personality type are things that I really love or were very drawn to or that serve our family so well. And so it hasn’t actually been that hard to see some of the things and realize that in doing that, he’s serving me or serving the kids or serving our family. And just being who he is and loving him the way that God sees him. So, just beginning to see things that I used to think were annoying or drove me crazy as sweet endearments. The second thought that I have, that I got in a coaching session, the coach said to me, as I had given a long list of things that weren’t my favorite about our marriage that I wish were different. And she said, I see that you don’t realize that marriages just sit there. The only thing that’s causing you pain It’s your thoughts about your marriage. And I was like, what? And this idea that marriage is just sit there, it doesn’t feel right. You want to be like, no, it’s sacramental and it’s eternal and we’re one flesh and all of these things, right?

But her point was, there isn’t a way for your husband to behave differently and then for you to be happier. Marriages just sit there; they’re just a neutral circumstance. It’s why your husband could come over to my house and do something that drives you crazy and it wouldn’t mean anything to me and just be like, oh, there’s that guy and he’s doing that thing. Because he’s not my husband and he hasn’t hurt my feelings a hundred thousand times and we don’t have history or pain between us. Marriage is just sit there it’s our thoughts about them that cause us pain. And the good news about that is that you can begin to find those moments when you are feeling pain and you can examine them. So if your husband doesn’t unload the dishwasher, you’re probably having a thought, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t support me, he doesn’t see me. And that is the thought that is so painful, because on a totally different day, if he had a really busy day or he had a cold and he didn’t do that, he didn’t unload the dishwasher, you would have a totally different thought about it.

And so that’s just another example of what we would call a neutral circumstance, not unloading the dishwasher is only a thing if we make it a thing in our minds. And I don’t want you to feel like I’m dismissing challenges that you’re experiencing. Because listen, For those of you who have not been following me for five years, my husband and I have had a lot of challenges, a lot of pain, a lot of absence, a lot of communication struggles, very different personalities. It’s extremely hard to be married to an entrepreneur and an engineer and my husband would say it’s extremely hard to be married to someone who is so emotional and free spirited, right? So we both have this list that we believe is what causes pain in our marriage. But the truth is, it’s just our thoughts about those things that cause us pain. Because we could choose to have a totally different thought, right? He could not unload the dishwasher and I could be like, I love that man, he works so hard and he was probably just tired today. I use that example because I hear it a lot, the truth is, I’m the one who doesn’t unload the dishwasher, probably.

He’s the one that like, cares more about kitchen stuff, you know, but he doesn’t compliment me very much. He doesn’t say that I’m pretty. I could choose to believe he doesn’t like me or isn’t attracted to me or something like that or I could just believe, yeah, he’s an engineer it doesn’t occur to him to compliment me. He’s not complimenting other people, right? I could just be like, and I love that about him. I love being married to an engineer, right? There’s so many benefits that come with that and I love them. Marriage is just sit there, it’s only our thoughts about them that cause us pain. And listen, this took me almost six months to get to and I’m still not totally there yet. So I’m not saying, hey, just become an enlightened being and figure this all out right now, but I’m just giving you a little bit of hope, a little bit of hope if I can make a crack in the pain of your marriage and say, what if it could be better? What if you could be happier? What if you could love yourself more? What if you could love him more right now, if nothing was different because you do have control over your thoughts and you can work on changing them.

The third thought that has really made a big difference to me, and this sounds silly, but I’m just practicing it, is I love that guy and I tell myself that all the time. Another version of that is I’ll say he’s my lobster, just kind of a friend’s thing. But I just look at him and I just tell myself more and more now, I love that guy so much, he’s my lobster. And it’s funny because just telling myself that has helped me to then notice more and more things that he does for me and the kids and our family and I love him more. That’s the power of our brains; they notice what we tell them to look for. So even if you’re In a cold marriage or a hot, frustrating marriage or whatever it is, you can practice this thought, “I love that guy”. You can just try it on for size and if that feels too strong, you could maybe say, I’m trying to love that guy and even that will feel better than, or him, or I’m stuck or why is this happening? Or why haven’t you fixed this God? Like those that create negative feelings. But even, I’m trying to love that guy, it’s a lot better, it’s a lot more powerful.

The next thought that I have a lot that I’m working on is, nothing has gone wrong. I had this idea that something was wrong, either our conversation or something that we’ve done together. And instead, I just choose to think, nothing has gone wrong. This is exactly what is supposed to happen. This is exactly where we’re supposed to be. This is exactly the conversation we should be having or the situation we’re in or something that hasn’t been resolved between us. Nothing has gone wrong. And another way of saying that, I like that phrase, nothing has gone wrong, but another way of saying that would just be to say, to ask, what is God trying to teach me here? Because when we ask, what is God trying to teach me? It is also acknowledging that this is exactly where we should be, that this is where God wants us to be. But for me, I really like the phrase, nothing has gone wrong, and it just kind of opens my brain up to being really present or finding solutions, things like that.

And the last thought that feels similar, but it’s a little different to me, is I don’t need to fix anything. I put a lot of pressure on myself to fix my marriage, like something is broken. I have to fix this. I have to figure it out. I have to read more books. We have to go to counseling. This isn’t right. And so it’s another version of nothing has gone wrong, but I don’t have to fix anything. Because here’s the truth, ladies. It’s very difficult to find a solution or to be connected to someone you’re married to when you have a tremendous amount of pressure on yourself to fix something. What if there is nothing to fix? What if this is exactly what your marriage should look like right now? And if you can just sit with that for a moment, if you can sit with this idea that this is the marriage that God has designed for you right now, with all its flaws and all its tension and whatever is happening, if you didn’t need to fix anything. What you will notice is that your brain will suddenly open up from a place of love, instead of pressure, to think of ways that you could fix things, to bring you and your husband together, to mend things, to help things. It’s like that beautiful tradition in Japanese culture where when a vase breaks, they put the pieces back together and they use gold to put the pieces back together. So it’s more beautiful and stronger when they put it together. And so, what if nothing has gone wrong and it wasn’t broken and we were just making a new piece of art that was stronger and held together by gold. And in this case, I think we are held together by grace and love, but it is very hard to access that when you think that something is broken or when you are putting the pressure on yourself to fix something. If I don’t figure it out, something bad is gonna happen.

You know, and I think I used to do that with our sex life as well, I’d think, Oh, I gotta figure this out. I gotta make him happy. I have to make myself happy, because if I don’t do that, I don’t know, there’s this cliff I’m gonna fall off. But there is no cliff. Nothing has gone wrong. This is exactly where we should be. I don’t need to fix anything and these thoughts won’t make you feel happy or yummy or romantic or sexy, but for a lot of us, feeling neutral is a whole lot better than how we have been feeling. Like, I would love to have a mushy, yummy, romantic, fun, sparky marriage, but I’m pretty stinking happy right now with just having one that doesn’t feel like gut wrenching pain all the time, or half the time. And I’m not skipping down the street with my husband or laughing over, you know, family dinners yet. I mean, have fun. Sometimes I think maybe I make it sound worse than it is, but I think it’s just that no one told me that it was so hard, right? And instead I just say, what if it’s not hard?

This is the obstacle course that I am running to be a saint and there are just a certain number of my obstacles that are going to be marriage related. Nothing has gone wrong, this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. I don’t need to fix anything. I love that guy. His quirkiness is what makes him him, and I love that. And it doesn’t mean that everything is neutralized. I still have moments of frustration or pain, but in general, these five thoughts have significantly improved my home life, my day to day experience of my husband and I have more hope right now than I have in a really long time that I could be happy in my marriage. And I’m really starting to see, even though I don’t, don’t totally understand it and I haven’t totally taken it all in yet, that marriages just sit there and it is just our thoughts. Because I can choose to believe we have a great marriage, we have great communication. We have lots of fun, we are adventurous, things are great. I could just choose to have those thoughts. Those thoughts are available, that’s one of those kind of cliche coaching phrases and I heard it a lot and I didn’t really like it, but now I really like it. Those thoughts are available to you, right now. You can think that right now. So, I don’t have all of the answers yet.

And, I don’t have the kind of marriage that I want yet. I can see that there are things that can be better, but I can enjoy it for what it is right now and I can choose to believe that nothing has gone wrong. We are exactly where we’re supposed to be on this journey. And then from a place of love and curiosity and fun and adventure, I can think, I wonder what we’re going to learn this year. I wonder what we’re going to share with each other. I wonder what difficult things we’re going to get through. I wonder what tools we will acquire so that we can communicate better and we can care for each other more and that is that is such a better feeling than to sit and think my marriage is hard and this is painful and I’m stuck here and I’m trapped and I don’t see a way out and it’s not going to get better and we have so many little kids. Just all of those thoughts that used to run through my mind all of the time. But when I had those thoughts, or when I had a lot of pressure on myself to figure things out and to fix us, I didn’t have access to the part of my brain that could help me find tools to help us grow. Because real growth comes from a place of love and curiosity and open feelings like that. It does not often come from a place of pressure. So I wanted to share that update with all of you. I’m sure I will be learning more things and then coming back and sharing them with you. I love talking about marriage and Catholicism and what it’s like to really be a woman in this world right now and trying to be a saint and what that looks like on a day to day level because we didn’t get a manual.

They didn’t give us a list of the obstacles that we would face so that we would know which number we were on. We’re kind of having to figure it out ourselves and the world is changing so quickly, but the more we can come from a place of love, which is really what God wants for us and from us. I think the more that we can find peace and happiness in the life that he has given us.

All right, ladies, I am praying for you, please pray for me. Thank you for listening to this podcast. Have hope and have a blessed day.