So I want you to think about marathon runners, I don’t know why I talk about marathon runners so much on all my podcasts, having never but I just feel like we all understand the concept of a person who chooses of their own freewill to run 26 miles, 23,26, a lot of miles. So, a person who decides that they want to run a marathon the very first time. They feel excited, they’re like, I want to do this, they think about it, they think about that moment about, you know, crossing the finish line and they set out and they begin to run. I don’t know how much you’re supposed to run on the very first run that you take training for a marathon, I’m sure it’s not the whole thing. And so that person runs. And right before they take their first run, they feel anxious, maybe excited, some form of nervousness, maybe a little bit of dread. Like they kind of know it’s going to be rough. And then they start running, and while they’re running, right. When you begin to run, your body needs to wake up. 

So your body’s like, oh, ah, what are we doing? Woah. And it like, it needs to wake up and he starts going blood starts to flow, your joints kind of move together. And then you find a stride, but there are all different kinds of runs, right? There’s runs with Hills, there’s runs where it’s too hot or too cold or a little bit rainy. And so that person running does not enjoy the whole run. And they don’t make the idea of not enjoying the home run be a problem. They’re not like, oh, no, I can’t be a marathoner, if I don’t enjoy running up the hills, if I don’t enjoy it when it’s 97 degrees outside. And so, that person is trying to cultivate an identity as a runner. I am a runner. I run marathons. And so I just think it’s the same in motherhood, we want to form the identity of being moms; I am a mom, that is my identity and that doesn’t change when I have moments, even many moments, of not enjoying motherhood. It doesn’t mean that I want to stop being a mom. I think we feel like admitting that there are aspects of motherhood or seasons or, you know, developmental stages and children that we don’t enjoy and it means that we don’t want to be moms. 

But even when you think about a runner, like even if we say, hey, you’re a marathon runner, do you really enjoy training? I think most of them would say no; Some of them might enjoy pushing themselves; Some of them might find it somewhat therapeutic to take the time away and to take care of themselves, but there is no way that they enjoy all the process of training for a marathon. There’s blisters, maybe even some strength training, it hurts. So, I don’t know why we don’t give ourselves space for that in motherhood and I think one of the things that’s different obviously is that our race is 20 years. At least, but at least 20 years were there with us in the house. And so, you are not a bad mom for not enjoying motherhood. I was coaching someone and she had three kids. I want to say like four, two and a baby and the baby was struggling to breastfeed. She’s putting in a lot of energy and time in problem solving and trying to breastfeed this baby and she said, I’m just really not enjoying motherhood right now. 

And she said it to me, like it was this horrible admission. And I went, of course, of course, you’re not. That’s a really difficult stage when you’ve got a runner, like a four-year-old big heart feelings runner, and a two-year-old who can’t do a lot of things for themselves. And then you’re stuck, trapped in a chair breastfeeding a six month old and feeling all sorts of feelings about that being difficult. That is not an enjoyable couple months. We’re not like, do you know what’s my favorite? That. But I don’t think for a minute that mom doesn’t love her children; did that mom doesn’t want to be a mom? I just think, yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me that that particular phase of parenting is not your favorite. It’s really difficult; I kind of, wonder if a lot of parenting is mostly difficult and painful. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad or we’re doing anything wrong. I think a lot of running is very difficult and painful. I have never run a marathon. There have been a couple of times in my life where I ran three to five miles. And I just always had dread doing it like, oh, I got to do that; I’m going to do that. And then even while I was running, I was kind of like, I don’t really like running, it’s hard. I want to be not running right now. And I just think that’s okay. Now what we don’t want to do is dwell on that. What we don’t want to do is fill our minds up with thoughts about how awful motherhood is, how painful it is, it’s worse than I thought it was, it’s never going to get better, I’m going to be stuck when you feel like it. Your brain gets on the motherhood sucks Hamster wheel.  

That’s not good. Because, momentum is true even in your thinking, when you begin to have momentum in your thinking and you’re going in a direction it is easy to keep going in that direction. So, what we want to do is we want to not make a big deal about thinking, oh, motherhood is really difficult right now, I’m not enjoying this, and then create momentum in a positive direction, like, and that’s okay. Actually I really like being a mom; there are moments I enjoy a lot; there will be lots more moments that I will enjoy; this is who I am; I choose this; God has chosen this for me. What really like whatever a runner says to themselves to pump them up about doing another practice run. We can just replace running with motherhood and pep talk ourselves. But really, just really imagine a runner if it was hot outside and their skin was hurting from the sun. Started having dozens of thoughts about how much they hate running. 

And they don’t like being a runner and then add guilt on top of that. I’m going to get kicked out of the runner’s club if they all know that I don’t like running when it’s hot outside. It’s ridiculous, and so it’s okay to not enjoy parts of motherhood. I don’t think it’s great or healthy to dwell on it and that was really what changed for me when I found coaching. Is that I think I used to just chew on that all the time and then I just felt sad and trapped. It went beyond even just feeling guilty about it. I just like It was slime and I rubbed that slime all over myself all day. And now, you know, the mother had things the same, pretty much. And I just roll with them and I don’t make it a problem, I don’t enjoy it. And yesterday was just a great example of just feeling all the feelings and my kids did presentations at their co-op. It was just such a sweet moment, you know, are there like to have memorized a poem or something about history and they were all laughing and it’s such a great group of kids. And it was such a wonderful moment and my heart was full of so much joy and love for them. 

And for all these kids standing next to my kids and it was a beautiful parenting moment and those milestone moments often are. And then, they had a little party, which is fine but on the way out, my kids were really upset that I was the only one that regulated their food. They said, mom, everybody else just got to eat whatever they wanted. And we had to check in with you about it and I let them all have a cupcake. A whole cupcake at 10:30 but I said they couldn’t have too, I’m just going to stand by that. So they were mad about that and then my six and a half year old was grumpy and one of the girls had sneered at him or something. And so we brought popcorn, which was the snack that we brought. So we had this giant, like a carton of popcorn kernels and he swung at it or, and I’m pretty sure he just swung it in her direction. He was not really trying to hit her with it, but she thought he was trying to hit her with it. She was so upset and so we’re just in the car I’m driving and they’re like, you let him do whatever you want and why don’t you let us eat whatever we want. They were just being really hard on me.  

And I was like, this is not one of my favorite moments. But I stayed calm, I was like, first of all, I’m going to back both of those things. No, I’m fine with the fact that I said that they can’t have two cupcakes in the morning and I don’t think that the six and a half year old was trying to hit her and also he was being weird cause he had a cupcake at that time. So I see that, and I’m like, listen, I’m not going to come hard at this kid when I’ve put him in that situation and he didn’t even hit her. I mean, we would’ve talked about it if he had actually hit her, but, she has literally back to back. There’s this wonderful, lovely parenting moment and then it’s like, oh my gosh, kids are so annoying and they don’t understand parents at all. And they just think that they’re all smarter than me. I’m like, you’re just not spine, but I handled it really well because well, I’m a coach and I can manage my mind and I practice it I just go. All this is totally fine, I feel good about my choices and it’s okay for them to have thoughts and feelings about me. They probably will change by the time they’re adults.  

And so it’s just, it’s okay that there are moments that we don’t enjoy parenting. And also that we don’t enjoy specific children in phases. Right when you’ve got like a chatty eye-rolling seven-year-old girl, let me just tell you that phase is not my favorite. And it’s usually only like three to six months that they hit this pinnacle of just like not ever being quiet. And then also thinking that they’re better than you and then learning to roll their eyes and you gotta clean that up. And I don’t, we don’t roll in hard about that by the way. I’m just like, you know, you can do that kid but it makes you look ridiculous and so you’re not a horrible Mom for not enjoying moments or developmental stages or even seasons, I did not enjoy having three kids in three years and being on bedrest. That was not a rocking good time for me.  

I did not enjoy all the times that all of my kids struggled to breastfeed. It was a really intense, physically painful, emotionally draining time. But at no point was I thinking, oh, I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I am a mom. I just am, that is my identity.  So I can fall in and out of love with moments of it and that doesn’t make me a bad person. So okay to have those thoughts, but let’s not get on the hamster wheel that sends us into anxiety depression being stuck for a long, long time. And the way that you do that is that you acknowledged the truth of the situation, right? For me back in the car, just being like, oh, this is not great that my children are giving me poor grades on my parenting report card at the moment. But then, I went in my mind and went, that’s totally fine, by the way. I think I’m doing a good job. They don’t need to understand. God has asked me to do this. 

And sometimes by the way I go and how can I make my life better? Sometimes there’s some problem-solving that needs to happen. I’m like, Hey, do you need to go for a walk? Do you need to tighten up some rules? Or expectations in the home? Do you need to clean your bedroom?  Do you need to pair down everyone’s clothes? Like their actual practical things that will make your life better. But when we’re spinning out, I don’t like motherhood and then I’m so terrible for even thinking that we’re not problem-solving anything. So don’t get on the hamster wheel or if you notice you’re on, the hamster wheel, just step off, step off and talk to yourself. That’s what coaching is. It’s talking to yourself, it’s talking to your brain and saying, hey brain not everything you think is true and real. Some things are right, like, I want to validate this is a hard moment, or this is a hard season and what are we going to do about it?  

That’s what Catholic Mom Calm is. It is giving ourselves space to feel what we actually feel, but not dwell there. I’m not ready to talk about it just yet, but I’m reading this book bad therapy by Abigail Schreier and it’s just blowing my mind. And she says, talking about your problems a lot doesn’t make them better. And I think that’s exactly why I love coaching a little bit more than I love therapy. And I really love very, very specific kinds of therapy. I think they can be very helpful. But for most of us, just like the talk therapy where you go and you just talk. And you just dwell on what’s not working. It doesn’t help a ton and so I think it’s, it’s validating the feelings. Yes, here’s what’s real. That is difficult and what are we doing going forward? So just think that the next time you’re not enjoying motherhood, I want you to think about marathoners and be like, how do they pep-talk themselves to keep going? I could probably do that for motherhood.  

All right my friends. I’m praying for you, please pray for me. Thank you so much for listening and have a blessed day.