What Are You So Afraid Of?

I would say our program is really much more about helping moms have emotional regulation to calm down and to make really good plans. But of course, we’re all moms, and so tons of kid stuff comes up. And I also am an adult who used to be a kid, so I have lots of thoughts about parenting, and I’ve seen a lot of patterns, and I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear.

So if the only parenting advice that I had was from the Bible, where God said, Do not be afraid. Fear not. Do not fear. That would be enough to back up what we’re going to talk about today. Okay? I’m going to give you more than that, but just know that it’s biblical not to indulge in fear and worry and make up what you think is going to happen in the future.

So we have these kids and of course we want to protect them. There is a certain amount of appropriate alertness. Okay? Okay? When they start running into the street, you should feel alert, and we could even label that a contextual fear. Like, oh no, I’m gonna grab them so they don’t run into the street. But at that moment, we should take action.

Adrenaline, you know, floods your body. Cortisol, you like, reach, grab the kid, pull them out, and then you calm yourself down. We do not then spend the next three months, when we’re sitting in our living room thinking, Oh no, streets, they’re just streets. My kid is going to grow up in a world where there are streets, and, and my kid is going to have to cross the streets. What am I going to do about that? Based on what just happened, I don’t think my kid’s going to be able to cross the street. Safely, without getting hit, and we know that this is a little bit ridiculous because we know intuitively that three year olds who lack awareness and emotional regulation run into the street and that at some age they will stop doing that, and that by the time they’re 23, they will not be running into the street with no awareness getting hit by cars. Okay? Statistically, probably a 0.001 chance it’s not none, very small. I’m so confident that it’s small that most of you did not spend time today thinking about that. Okay? And yet, we just make a giant list of things that we think our kids are going to struggle with in the future, and not only do we make this list of things that we think that they’re going to struggle with, which we don’t know if they’re going to struggle with those things, but we also think it’s unacceptable that they may struggle with those things to the point where it steals our peace.

And I want to show you, because your thoughts create your results, most of the time when we are living in a spirit of fear and just being so worried about this thing that’s going to happen, we often act in a way that makes it more likely to happen. Okay, let’s use math as an example. How many of you already just feel weird in your body when I talk about math? Isn’t that interesting? At least a third of you, I’m going to guess, at least a third of you experience a twinge in your stomach or a little bit of heaviness or guilt or something just around the word math. Why is that? I’ll tell you why that is. It’s because some number of adults. In your childhood you created negative associations with that word enough that now you’re like, uh, or you are struggling with one of your kids presently with their math so much that you’re having a negative experience of that word. It’s just a word. It’s just a word, but it’s charged because of emotional experiences that you’ve had around it. And this isn’t for everyone, right? But most humans are not like that, math is my favorite. It’s great. I would love to come to your house and do some math with you.

And so we don’t treat math like running into the road. We treat it like this haunting thing that we’re pretty sure the kids need to know. And it’s, it’s probably pretty bad if they’re not good at it. And if they’re not good at it, it probably means big bad things for them in the future. And so when I am worried or have fear, I like to slow it down. First of all, I calm my body down because if you’re already in a state of panic, fear, worry, frustration, you’ve got to calm your nervous system down. So you want to just be really calm and just come to the place where you’re like, God made all the humans. He has a plan, I’m safe right now. And then we think about math and we go, okay, is this really a problem? And then you just ask your brain, brain, why is this a problem? And your brain goes, well, if they don’t learn how to do math, then they probably won’t get good jobs. And I’m like, okay, brain, but that’s two vague things; math is vague. And a good job is vague.

Like, what level of math do I think that they should learn? And what do I think a good job is? I would then also ask myself, and is that appropriate for this child? If we’re saying high paying jobs, is that, are all the children going to have high paying jobs? probably not. Some of them will be stay at home moms. Some of them will be artists. Some of them will choose to live missionary lives. We have two clients who fundraise their entire salaries. Did they need math to know how to do that? And then the second question that I ask myself, first I go, hey, is this reasonable even? And a lot of times you’ll just see that your brain is being vague and dramatic and you don’t even, you haven’t even articulated the problem well. Then the second thing is, can you even control this? Can you even control this? We have this sense as parents that we can control the children or control their education even, and I’m here to tell you that really you can’t. You can try. But if you’ve got a kid who’s dug in or you don’t have the resources or you haven’t figured out what motivates your kid or your kid has a special brain and you haven’t figured out how that works yet like you can’t actually just brute force and make a human be as educated as you want them to be.

And so What, what are you scared of happening and can you even control it? I think in parenting, a lot of us just have a false sense of control. You might have some influence, okay, but let’s, let’s follow this down. The next question I ask myself is how is my worry about this contributing to it being true? Okay. So in this case, let’s kiddo who’s really struggling with math and I’m like harping on them and they can tell that I’m anxious about it. And I kind of finger pointed them, and I’m like, you gotta do your math, and I sit with them, and I’m like, this is important. You’re not taking this seriously enough. I start telling them that they’re not good at math. You don’t even have to tell them. They’ll notice by the way that you treat them that you think something is wrong with their math skills. And that you think not having great math skills is a problem. Because maybe none of your kids are good at basketball, but you don’t sit them down every day and go, Oh my gosh, we really have to work on your basketball skills.

So we’re okay with them not being good at everything. We’ve just arbitrarily chosen, every family gets to choose, like, their own value system. And then we think, okay, we gotta work harder on these things because I value them. And then, we hope that we raise children that also have those values. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s a good thing. But the fact that we think it absolutely has to happen, or that we have control over it, is making us show up in weird ways. Okay? So. If I’m hard on this kid, and I’m giving them a complex about being bad at math, and that being bad at math means that they’re going to be bad at things in the future, what do you think that’s going to do to my relationship with that kid? And what identities are that kid going to take on? How many of you, as adults, think that you are bad at math or bad at learning or bad at school and that is a problem because here you are a fully functioning adult. I’m not good at basketball either and that’s not a problem. We don’t need to be good at all the things. I have a friend who has a seven figure business which means they do at least a million dollars in sales every year and he can barely read. He’s so dyslexic and you wouldn’t know it and it doesn’t matter.

He’s a great guy. A thriving human being, and his brain scrambles up the letters, so if you handed him a book and had him read out loud, he probably couldn’t do it. And so, you just don’t know what’s going to happen with these kids, but the way we treat them now will become, in a large part, the voice inside their heads. And I want you to be really clear with yourself about why you think this thing is so important. Now, let’s take going to mass as an example. Okay, my five year old has been in a phase of really not wanting to sit through mass. He doesn’t complain about going, but about five minutes in he goes, is it almost over? Nobody, it’s not almost over at all. And he thinks it’s boring. I’m like, of course he thinks it’s boring, he’s five. He doesn’t understand transubstantiation. And it’s fine to me that he doesn’t understand what’s happening. I just say, hey, this is really special to me and it’s important to me that we come as a family.

And if I was worried, if I took his five year old self and him being bored at mass to mean that he wasn’t going to be Catholic, which we would all agree is probably important to us. And if I thought him being bored meant that he wasn’t going to be Catholic, and then I scolded him and was like, this is great. You should be grateful to be here. Some people aren’t even allowed to go to mass. Like, don’t you know what happens at mass? I mean, you need to, you know, kneel here and like, think about it. And Jesus died on the cross for you, which, you know, and he’s not processing any of that, but he’s processing the anger in my voice. And really what it is, right, is anger is an emotion on top of another emotion, which is usually fear or sadness. So in this case, it would be fear. I’d be scared that he wasn’t gonna be Catholic. But you know what’s really important to me? Do you know what I really want the children to learn how to do? I want them to learn how to choose to be Catholic. I don’t want them to just be Catholic. My goal for them actually is that they choose, and I just know that they won’t really choose until they get older. And I’ve heard of some, you know, really special children and gifted children who really choose at a young age and kind of give themselves to the Lord or have a mystical experience, but I think most people choose somewhere between their teens and 25.

And Lorissa talks about that. You know, Lorissa was raised by a really good Catholic family and never left her faith, but there were kind of some years where she was kind of being Catholic and doing the things, and then she just had this amazing, like, choice. And so I want all of the kids to have that, and I don’t change their behavior right now. Lead me to sitting around thinking about them not being Catholic in the future, or treating them weird. And really, let’s go back to your kids running into the street. If you really worried that your kids were not going to learn how to walk into streets well, and you were always holding their hand, like even at 11, imagine grabbing your 11 year old’s hand and being like, you need to hold my hand across the street because I really, I worry that you can’t do it.

Kids grow up thinking and none of you are doing that, but we’re doing that with a lot of other skills, a lot of school skills, a lot of faith-based things, maybe sports, maybe social things, and we’ve just decided this is really important. You are very bad at it, and I am going to help you figure it out, and then we just fumble it. I want you to know none of this is permanent. Brains have plasticity, which means they can learn all the time. So, if you’ve been harping on your kid about something, just say, hey, I’m sorry. This may not even be important to your adulthood. I think you’re a great human. And start telling them what’s great about them. You’re so nice. You’re so kind. You’re so creative. And we’re going to figure this out, or it’s not going to be important, and that’s how I feel about math. I’m like, they will all figure it out to the level that it is important for the life that God has designed for them. Now, I was just talking to somebody else, we were talking about homeschooling our kids and she was saying, well, I want my kids to know how to do hard things or to do things when they don’t feel like it. And I’m totally on board with both of those things, but probably you already do that. I mean, my kids do that when they set up a campsite.

Nobody feels like setting up a campsite, and it’s hard, and sometimes it’s cold. My little boys do that when they stack wood, and you don’t have to live that country life to have these things. You have these things in your family. When the kids learn how to do hard things and learn how to work when they don’t feel like it, it doesn’t always have to come through school or, I don’t know, just these things that feel very important to you. So just notice, like, look at what’s bothering you about your children. And just see, are you holding on to something that may not make sense? And that’s when we go, what am I scared of? How likely is that to happen? Am I being big and dramatic?

And do I have any control over this? And then, how is my worrying about this contributing to this being true? Because in the case of the math kid, Right? Well, maybe that kid grows up feeling dumb and then doesn’t, stops trying in school or doesn’t go for that job he really wants or the raise that he wants and ends up underperforming based on what that kid is capable of because of just A lot of messaging that that kiddo received. So we as parents in the present think that we have the power to teach them math, and we’re like, I have to do it, I have to make sure that these kids know how to do their math. But really what we have the power over is how to help our children form their own self identity. You’re a problem solver. You’re kind. Some humans are never gonna be great at math, but every single one of those humans is good at something. And I could find it. And if you pour into them and you tell them, you’re good at these things. And it’s okay that we’re not good at everything. I tell my kids that all the time. I’m like, hey, you should learn this. But you don’t need to be great at it. We don’t need to be great at everything. What are you scared of? So I was coaching another mom. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but it was definitely a teenager thing. And I said, you know, I want the kids, I want my teenagers. And I don’t have a teenager yet. I’m going to have my first teenager in two weeks. I want my teenagers to fail while they live at home with me. I literally want them to struggle in relationships or with money or with jobs or with their car, all of that, while they’re home so that I can catch them and we can talk about it and I can work through it with them. I don’t want them to have smooth sailing experience until they’re 24 and then they’re not in my house.

So we can have a reverse relationship with. These kids and what they experience in their teens. And then you guys have heard me say so many times, right, that their brains aren’t even fully formed until 23, 24, maybe 25. And so, whatever they’re doing before then, to me, does not predict the kind of adult that they’re going to be. It just means they’re not adults yet. I wish we didn’t consider people adults until they were 25. And we said, yeah, don’t give people under 25 credit cards. Don’t do that. They probably won’t handle it well. I don’t know why we give them student loans. Most of them do not understand the decision that they’re making. I don’t know what you’re worried about, but you’re a mom, and we worry, I worry too. I just catch myself when I’m doing it, and I remind myself that God did not give me a spirit of fear. I’m not omnipotent. I don’t know the future. My assumptions are often wrong, but I do know that when I’m scared or angry, I don’t connect with the children or treat them as well as when I am trusting and calm. And we discipline our kids, and we teach them things, and I make them do things that they don’t feel like doing. Like, it’s not like a party at the Jaquith house all the time, but what I don’t do is make subjects or individual days or difficult seasons with a kiddo mean anything about the kind of person that they’re going to become.

There is no way that we save these kids from hard things. You cannot. So lean in. Teach them how to do hard things. Teach them how to fail. Teach them that failing is part of what we’re going to do a lot. A lot of failure. That’s not a problem. Teach them that they’re not going to be good at everything. I appreciate this message in business a lot. In business, they say, you know, double down on the things that you’re good at and hire out the things you’re not good at. And sometimes we have to be proficient at something enough to get the business off the ground to make money to hire a person that’s better at it than we are. But I wish we had more of that spirit with academics. Like if you’re really great at writing. You know, be good enough at math that you can live in the world, but double down on your gifts. Don’t try to be proficient at everything. I’m telling you, this just isn’t even about the kids. It’s about you and your heart and a spirit of fear. And maybe there is something to be done. Okay, maybe you’ve got a kid who is socially awkward. My kids are a little bit socially awkward because I just forget to teach them certain things. And so, just today. I was at our homeschooling thing, and my six year old ran across this room. And a woman was walking by and he almost ran into her.

Okay? I could pause in that moment and be like, Oh, this kid, and he doesn’t pay attention and he’s so wild and he never listens and he’s going to be a terrible human. Right? Or I could just be like, yeah, I need to show him to look around a room and see if there are adults or older people or anyone carrying something. And so I grabbed him and I said, Hey, did you see that lady? She was walking across the room. I love that you love to play with your friends in this room, but when we’re here, I need you to pay attention to the workers. They’re allowed to run in this room, but sometimes people walk through it. And so I just said, you know, you’re so thoughtful. I love to give him a good identity. You’re so thoughtful. So I want you to just keep your eyes open for people around this room. Sometimes I do need to teach them something they don’t know. My daughter had her blueberry picking job. I was like, listen, you need to show up on time probably five minutes before your shift. You need to be ready to work. You need to check in with your boss. Find out what you’re supposed to be doing. See if you can exceed expectations, right? Make sure you understand breaks and things like that. Make sure you tidy your station, right? Like she didn’t know any of those things.

I needed to teach her all of those things, but I just try to teach them from this place of just assuming they’re all going to be okay, whatever that means. They’re just going to be okay. They’re going to be humans in the world and have amazing things happen and really hard things happen. And I cannot predict 2 percent of it, but God did not give us a spirit of fear. He does not want you chewing on worry. He does not want you being angry. He does not want you wrestling with these kids. There is another way and I am a fan, a fan of, of discipline and boundaries. But you can discipline and hold boundaries without being angry and without thinking anything is wrong with that child and just knowing that God gave them their brains, their personalities, all the things, and he has a work for them to do and he will give them everything they need to do that work. You don’t know what that is. So listen to this again, listen to it with a piece of paper, write down the things that you are worried about. Really press yourself, coach yourself. Is it true? Is it clear? Are there some skills they need? For example, my son needed the skill of awareness of other people. He did need that, but also I didn’t need to think that he was a bad boy or a wild child or that something was wrong with him.

And if you’ve got a kid who’s struggling with math, why don’t you just go, is that a problem? Or can we get this kid to a minimum place? And she’d be like, yeah, not everyone’s great at math. It’s not a problem. Or find out what motivates this kid. And just go, yeah, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to do your math, but you do want this other thing. And I’ll connect the two. Because that’s what the real world is like, right? The real world is that we work for things that we want. So I just, I want to reach through this microphone and just hug all of your children because I love them. I love all of my friends’ kids. I just see them and I love them. I love these little humans and they don’t know how to be mean to themselves yet. They don’t have to have a negative inner dialogue. They don’t have to have low self esteem. We can teach them to walk with the Lord, to cultivate the gifts further that he’s given them and to not worry about the ones that he hasn’t. It’s like the ultimate, keep your eyes on your own paper. God’s given you these gifts and this mission. Don’t worry about what’s happening over there. Don’t think about what’s happening in 10 years and we can do it and we can help them do it.

All right, my friends, two things coming for Lent on the daily podcast. I’m going to be doing a daily series for Lent with Faustina and it’s free and you can download the workbook. It’s not out yet. By the time this podcast comes out, I don’t think it’ll be out yet. But probably, definitely by February 1st. So just know that you don’t need to buy anything. If you want a Lenten program with, you know, it’ll have a reflection from St. Faustina’s diary, and then a question, and then I’ll have a, you know, five minute audio reflection podcast to go with that. That’s coming. You can get it. You can do it alone or with your friends.

We just wanted you to have that. And then the second thing that we’re doing is a Lenten decluttering challenge, and I have completely overhauled it. It is not at all like what we’ve done in the years past and really what I’m doing is I am helping you to declutter five spaces. In a way that really teaches you the skill of decluttering and not just decluttering, but for each of the five spaces we’re gonna create a system and a rhythm for continually decluttering that space, which does not mean we’re always putting everything back in its place I don’t really believe that most people are gonna live like that So it’s gonna be like oh it gets built up and then at this interval of time we declutter it again and maybe we need a basket, or a label, or something. But we’re going to create a system around these five spaces. And so, I’m really excited about it. The community is really excited about it and you will be able to sign up for that soon. So just know that program is coming. And if you have been feeling like you just don’t have a handle on the stuff in your home, and you know that having a little more order would bring you more peace, then I really want you to come join us for this Lenten Decluttering Challenge.

Alright, my friends, you’re doing a good job. You are a good mom. You are here. You are learning these tools. You are going to use them. You love those kids, and the kids know it. And that is a big, big deal that is very special. Thank you so much for listening and have a blessed day.